The recent zombie attacks in Miami that have unfolded before us, has given us reason to write a post on the unforeseen circumstances that we are now facing. Zombie attacks, although thought of as only something that happens in movies is now something that has come to life. They are real, they are here, get use to it people and protect yourselves. Below are some step by step instructions on how to stop a zombie and survive a zombie attack if you are ever confronted by a real life zombie.
First off how to recognize a zombie:
- They’re usually naked. If you see a naked person running down the street hide for cover, run the other way, get the hell out of there and fast! Zombie suffer from “excited delirium” and are known to have super strength. One zombie in Miami tried to bite his neighbor, when said neighbor ran into his house, the zombie proceeded to punch the exterior of his house, so hard that he torn the skin of his fist and shattered all the bones in his hand. Zombies suffer from overheating, their body starts to heat up from the inside out and forces them to rip off all their clothes.
- Delusional or “cracked out”. I really don’t have a nicer way of saying this but zombies are usually the ones who are overdosing on way too much bath salt. Best thing to do, if you know a friend who loves their bath salt and doesn’t know their limit, erase his/her number and make sure they never find out where you live.
Secondly what to do when a zombie spots you and comes after you:
- RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!! Like your life depends on it because it does! Once the zombie gets you, you’re DONE!!! Front page of the Miami Herald DONE! – Get your arse to the nearest safe location, preferably inside a secured building with locks, anywhere they can’t get to you. Remember zombies suffer from “excited delirium” going into your car would probably not be a good idea, because they could break through the windows, try to get your arse into a building where you can lock them out.
- Call the police. – Your best chances of surviving is getting the cops involved they’re the only ones who’ll be able to shot the zombie down, unless you got a gun of your own or a stun gun of your own. (ladies mace is probably not going to help) If you can run and dial 911 at the same time, even better, because unless you have a gun, there’s no way you’re taking that zombie down. I don’t care how much crossfit or steroids you’ve taken there’s no way!!! Do the research people zombies are no joke. The guy who was chewing off the homeless man’s face was shot several times before he finally stopped.
And that’s it folks, stay safe, avoid dark alleys, don’t do drugs, don’t walk the streets alone, and stay alert.
Places to go to avoid being attack by Zombies in Miami:
Wood Tavern, Tobacco Road, Blackbird Ordinary, anywhere in Midtown, Lincoln Road, Coconut Grove, and Aventura. Stay out of the shady neighborhoods.